[142] I’m gonna paint your wagon and I’m gonna paint it good

Before you can put on your cape, your robe, and your wizard hat, I should let you know I did commit a grammar faux pas in the title. But the song I am alluding to has it that way and that’s how the song goes. Go post your tale on fmylife and impress no one with your futile attempt to be corny.

It’s hard to be optimistic.

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[141] Wow, I can still write stuff in Chinese

Proof:

chinese_formal_numbers1

These are “formal” numbers; these are used when writing checks or other important documents.  It’s supposed to prevent said documents from being altered and forged.

[140] Wow, puking sucks

This entry may not be appropriate for all ages.

I attempted to do some HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) today after working out my legs.  The last time I tried HIIT, I ended up puking into my garbage can as my weak body couldn’t withstand the INTENSE training.

After a short session of running and jogging, I had a bad feeling about what was going to happen once I got home; the churning of my stomach combined with a ridiculous fluctuation of overall body temperature were both harbingers.

And sure enough, while posted by the trusty toilet inside my MEN’S ROOM, I let out two quick vomits.  I have to say that vomiting has to be one of the most painful physical acts; it feels like you have a stampede trying to squeeze up your esophagus and out your mouth.  The sheer force of the stomach pumping the food backwards makes it feel like there is a sump pump inside.

I sat down on my toilet, thinking the worst was over.  Sweat and cold water mingled together on my forehead and arms.  I could barely keep my head up.  Just as I was able to catch my breath again, my stomach churned once more.

It felt like over 9000 San Andreas faults were grinding to some Kevin Lyttle (or maybe Sean Paul or Mr. Vegas) inside me—this was definitely the “big one.”  Not even God could stop the torrent of stomach acid and digested bananas from cascading from my mouth into my toilet.  It was a miracle my stomach and pancreas didn’t hitch a ride.  After that, I had a little aftershock, where the other scraps in my stomach were released.

I struggled to breathe—you would, too, if all you had to breathe in was the toxic odor of vomit, sweat, and whatever else lingers inside THE MEN’S ROOM.  I had washed my face previously but my face felt stained once again with my sweat and tears.  Only a shower could cleanse myself now.

My legs were buckling and trembling as I tried to stand.  My legs never had been worked out as much as they did today; the first thing I did in the shower was sit inside the tub as I let the water from the showerhead rejuvenate me.

I feel much more relieved now.  I might as well try to enjoy a quick snack before I go out to dinner tonight.

Moral of the story: I’m weak and I should not put myself through such physical torture.

[139] Fuck the profanity ban

I have grown tired of false hopes.

I don’t want any of your fucking pity or any of your fucking semantic bullshit.  It has never helped and it never will.

Asian girls are stupendous idiots.  Nearly all of them.  For every Asian girl who is sweet and charming…well, each one of those girls with those fucking positive traits is overshadowed by approximately 128 stupid fucking Asian cunts who need to be beaten to death with an aluminum (or aluminium) bat.

Let’s put this in a Cliff’s Notes format, as many of you can only understand things if it involved trigonometry or with quantitative comparisons:

1. Males hate being left in suspense.  We like to look at things logically.  We don’t try to rationalize with our fucking emotions, like what you fucking cuntbags all do.

2. If you don’t like us, say so.

3. Who cares if you offend?  I’m offending you right now, aren’t I?  It’s better to tell the truth than to perpetuate a fucking falsehood.

I’m not meant to love, I know.  If a motherfucking asexual lifestyle is what awaits me, then come at me (no pun intended) with everything you got, you little shit.

I’m getting tired of a lot of things in life lately.

So much for me thinking I could give Asian girls a chance this year…they are still fucking stupid.

Posted in Rants. 2 Comments »

[138] At least this is some change I can believe in…HAR HAR HAR

In before the collective orgasm from the Obama supporters…I’m no leftist.

I paid a visit to the scale.

Hey, how ya doin’?! (dramatization may not have happened)

Got on and found my weight to be at 180.6 pounds.  Gotta love scales that are accurate TO THE TENTH OF A POUND! (cue loud belching noises)

Then I went on another scale (at my uncle’s) and my weight was also around the 180 range.

I just looked at a pic of myself from the summer, after I had just attended a wedding.  The first thing I said to myself upon looking at the picture was “Wow, I was fat.”  My face had this pudginess going and my neck was wide like an out-of-shape linebacker’s.  And to think I had the nerve to say to myself back then that I still looked skinny.  HA!

It’s amazing how much of a difference six to eight pounds can make.  I’m glad I’m not at the 190-something pound mark that I was at previously, just after Christmas.

But I’M NOT DONE YET!  Here’s hoping I can go under the 180-pound mark while still adding some additional muscle.

For those wondering how I was able to lose weight, all you need to do is get off your rear end and exercise.  Lift weights, do push ups, do crunches, jog around the block once or over 9000 times—do anything to get yourself physical (word to Olivia Newton-John).  Don’t just sit there  and say “YEAH, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT” while you continue to sit and play with your meat flute with both hands (or pink taco if you are a female).  If we could lose weight by simply saying we would, America would not be overrun with so many fat [fudge]s lining up at McDonald’s, Burger Kings, Carl’s Jrs (have to shout out the west coast here), or Sonics buying over 9000 items off the discount menu.  Some of you people make fast food joints look like House of Hoops during limited edition releases (minus the camping out for three to five days).

For your own sake (not SAH-kay), just get off your chair and get in shape.  Obama might have gotten his stimulus plan through Congress without any backing from Republicans but he isn’t going to pass a weight loss plan for you lazy pieces of turd (believe me, he won’t).  You have to make that “change” yourself.

Note: There were three GOP senators who voted YAY on the bailout.  No GOP member from the House voted YAY.  They still won’t bail out your fat cottage cheese more-dimples-than-a-golf-ball butts.

[137] SMH for the 9001st time

So I was hoping to enter this new year with some newfound optimism.

And it turns out that it’s all unfounded.

Women are still impossible to figure out.

So, yet again, I give up.

Story of my life, folks…

And the answer to this question is “yes” obviously…you already know…

[136] Decisions, decisions…

“24” or the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show?