[182] Looking ahead

As this calendar year draws to a close, I am already looking ahead to next year, 2011.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I had always said that life was one’s greatest teacher; this adage proved to be extremely truthful and hurtful recently.

Life really is never easy. Sure, it would be nice if it could be predictable and everything you wished to happen did.  But it’s naive to think it could ever be simple.

Life is all about learning. Life tends not to hold anything back. You get the full force and impact of its “lessons” without any option to mute, censor, or fast-forward like you’re watching a DVD or a show saved on your DVR.

Thus, I have come up with a resolution for next year that will also serve as a personal motto and mission.

Rebranding. Rebuilding. Renewal.

This is what 2011 will be about for me.

Rebranding: I need to change myself.  While I would like to think I improved in some areas of my life, I also learned that there were other aspects of myself I neglected to improve (though in some cases, I was unaware there was anything to improve).  At times, I have felt like someone trying to canoe upstream and it was only my stubbornness that barely kept me from falling backward.

I understand I have to change my outlook on life and how I go about things in life.  The only obstacle to change is myself.

Rebuilding: My self-esteem and overall character took a significant hit.  As much as I try to tell myself things will be okay, I often regress into a puddle of self-pity where I lash out at myself for not doing things the right way, or things in a way that would grant me happiness.

I am my own worst critic and this has left me feeling less than satisfied with the high effort I put into things like my job.  Rebuilding probably goes hand-in-hand with Rebranding—both involve a recognition of changes that need to be made.  I need to restructure myself from the ground-up.  I need to stop beating myself up over things I have done in the past.

What happened in the past already happened.  There is no undo.  All I can do is look forward and not make the same mistakes.

Renewal: If you were to look at the “motto” as a progression of things, this would be the ultimate goal.  I want to feel as if I have fully, legitimately changed.  I want to feel as if I’ve been given a second chance, even if circumstances in life have made it impossible to get second chances and “do-overs.”  I just want to feel rejuvenated and almost born again, free from the guilt and unhappiness from past experiences where things ultimately went awry.

I ultimately want to feel better off than I did the year before.  It would feel just as good as a do-over.

All I have to do is take that first step.

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